Post Permanency Support Needed For Youth 18 and Older in Ontario

We met our daughter three weeks before her 17th birthday.  She moved in with us on “adoption probation” four months later.  A few weeks after her 18th birthday the judge made official what we already felt in our hearts and heads—she was our daughter.

It was an exciting time for us and it was an exciting time for the CAS that had been taking care of her and looking for her forever family.  There are thousands of Crown Wards that are older teens  and only a fraction of them find permanent homes each year.  

We were thrilled to have found the perfect “fit” for our family and her workers were thrilled that she would not age out of care without establishing any life-long connections. 

CAS offered us other options in order to allow us to continue receiving support—they wanted to make this match work-- but they all involved taking away the sense of permanency that we wanted to give our daughter, and would make her have a different “status” than our other children. 

It actually came as a shock to find out that less than a year after our daughter came to live with us full time, we would no longer be provided with any financial support to assist with the multitude of educational and psychological hurdles that she faced  We were told that the only support we would be eligible for would be the financial support offered to former Crown Wards for post-secondary education—a great program co-run between the provincial government and many post secondary institutions in Ontario.  However, soon after we learned that this would not be the case—that if a Crown Ward was adopted, the rules changed and consequently our daughter would be ineligible for support.  Another surprise.  CAS offered us other options in order to allow us to continue receiving support—they wanted to make this match work-- but they all involved taking away the sense of permanency that we wanted to give our daughter, and would make her have a different “status” than our other children. 

That is not what she wanted, and it was not what we wanted.  Currently, Ontario is the ONLY province that ends it’s adoption subsidy support at age 18—all the other provinces continue to 19 or older. 

Sometimes late at night, when everyone is asleep in the house, I think about what might have been, where and what our now 19-year daughter might be doing if we had not been matched.  A pretty girl, with little education, struggling with the language and no family ties- my mind can go to dark places because I have read the statistics. 

I know the struggles the kids who age out of care face because I have listened to them speak.  Even of ones who “chose” not to be adopted, often because of the financial disincentives they faced compared to staying in government care. 

I know the struggles the kids who age out of care face because I have listened to them speak.  Even of ones who “chose” not to be adopted, often because of the financial disincentives they faced compared to staying in government care. We were so lucky that our daughter could see past the $950 per month she would soon qualify for at age 18 through Extended Care Maintenance.  Not every youth has that kind of foresight.  She understood that having a family for life would take her further then a few years of monthly cheques and we were able to make the financial sacrifices needed.  The question is why?  Why should this be a decision older youth and potential adoptive families have to make in this province when we have empirical proof that by all measures youth do better in permanent families.

Then I sneak across the hall, and peek in on her sleeping under her pink flowered quilt and wish we had a bigger house, and more money, so we could offer another youth a 4ever home.

Investment in Families Needed to Support Their Children’s Healing and Development

Our family began our adoption journey back in early 2011. We completed our home study and PRIDE training (Resource for Information, Development and Education) and were approved for a placement in 2012. In April of 2013 we attended the Adoption Resource Exchange (ARE) in Toronto and it was there that we saw the first photo of our son, Mike. We viewed a video of him and then went to the North Eastern Ontario CAS booth to get more information about him. We had the privilege of talking to his worker and requested more information right away. We walked away feeling we had “met” our son.

In June of 2013 we were contacted and asked if we were still interested in adopting Mike and we said of course we were. We were told that as of April he had been moved to a new foster home and there had been an increase in negative behaviors and so they wanted to conduct more tests. We said it didn’t matter what the testing said, we were willing to pursue him anyway but they asked us to wait. So we had no choice, we waited.

The week before Mike moved home, our world changed again. We received a phone call from his worker disclosing that when Mike first came into care of CAS it was thought that he might have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and so they put him on a waitlist to be tested.

The week before Mike moved home, our world changed again. We received a phone call from his worker disclosing that when Mike first came into care of CAS it was thought that he might have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and so they put him on a waitlist to be tested.

In October of 2013 we were asked to have a meeting with our worker and Mike’s worker and it was during this meeting that we were told we’d been chosen as his parents. We were excited and couldn’t wait to meet him and start the process of bringing him home. We met him for the first time the last weekend of November and for the next 2 months almost every weekend we travelled north so we could spend time with him either at our home in Everett, ON or with him in Kirkland Lake, ON. We met his paternal grandmother and his foster parents and saw the area where he lived before. He met our extended families and spent time with us and our other two children in our home. We prepared for him to move home for good January. 26, 2014.

The week before Mike moved home, our world changed again. We received a phone call from his worker disclosing that when Mike first came into care of CAS it was thought that he might have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and so they put him on a waitlist to be tested. The testing had not yet occurred when they matched him with us but was scheduled for after he had moved into our home. We were shocked because this was the first time we’d heard about the possibility of FASD. His worker seemed confident that he didn’t have this condition but nevertheless encouraged us to get him tested. When we had completed our homestudy, one of the things we discussed with our worker was the type of special needs we would be willing to consider and we (along with our worker) agreed that a child with FASD would not be a good fit for our family. But we were no longer talking about a generic child, we were now talking about Mike, whom we had already invited into our home. We’d already allowed ourselves to get attached because we’d already been told he would be a permanent part of our family. How could we say no at this point? So we said yes we still wished to adopt him and that we would take him for the testing. We took him for the testing because we knew that if he did have FASD there would be more resources available to him with a diagnosis than without.

When we got the results in May it was confirmed that Mike did have Alcohol Related Neurodevelopment Disorder (ARND) which falls under the FASD spectrum. We were shocked, stunned, hurt, scared and didn’t know where to go for help. Our worker wondered at that time whether we should proceed with adopting Mike or if we should reconsider before we got overwhelmed with his needs to avoid possible disruption further into his placement with us. He still felt that we should stick with our earlier decision that a child with FASD was not for us. At this point Mike had been home for 4 months! We cried, prayed, researched, and talked at length about Mike and his needs and couldn’t see giving up on our son because of something he had no control over. The diagnosis of FASD did not change who Mike was. It just changed how we had to parent him and helped us understand why we had been having some of the issues we had been having. With this new understanding we could figure out how to better help him as the traditional ways we had been trying hadn’t worked. We made the decision to finalize our adoption with Mike and figure things out as we went along. We were in this as a family. Now we just had to determine the best way to help him and learn more about FASD ourselves.

The funding we need to support Mike’s healing and development would amount to less than  if he were to remain in foster care.  We know that children raised in permanent families with the right supports have a better chance than children who age out of care.

Shortly thereafter we had a telephone conference with our worker and Mike’s worker about the diagnosis, how we were feeling and where we were to go from there. Mike’s worker apologized to us and told us that she was going to work with us to request a subsidy to assist us in caring for Mike. She told us that it was CAS’ “fault” that we were in this position and that we would be fully supported with a subsidy request. For the next couple of days Google became our best friend. we researched FASD, what it was, how it affected individuals, how to parent children with FASD, what worked and didn’t work and what supports were available in our area. In our next conversation, we discussed needs for childcare for before and after school, the need for family counseling, for Mike, and for our other two children. We also discussed a desire to be directed to respite care and support groups. I also mentioned that I had found an organization that trained service dogs for individuals with FASD and that I had spoken with an individual from that organization about getting a service dog for Mike who suffers from severe anxiety and panic attacks

The funding we need to support Mike’s healing and development would amount to less than  if he were to remain in foster care.  We know that children raised in permanent families with the right supports have a better chance than children who age out of care.

Currently we are still advocating for adequate support for our son, Mike. We are confused as to what’s going on, scared to ask for more compensation in case they keep reducing our support, scared to not ask for support because we need help, and worried that we will be viewed as incapable and have Mike taken from us. We are not getting answers as to why the numbers are dropping instead of going up, we are confused as to why we didn’t get the support we clearly demonstrated a need for. This process was started in May and it is now the middle of September. My parental leave is up soon and I can’t afford to go back to work because we don’t have the before and after school care set up and the subsidy amounts to cover this care. I also can’t afford to not go back to work as we are trying to join support groups and paying for resources and sitters. My income through EI does not compare to my income at work. We don’t understand why it’s taking 4 months to work on a subsidy and why we are left in limbo this whole time. We know that CAS is still receiving funding for him as he is still technically considered in the care of CAS even though he’s been with us since January. We feel we have no resource and nowhere to turn. We love Mike and are fighting for him. We need to be strong so that we can be strong for him. We need to understand his disability and how to parent him to the best of our ability in a way that will be meaningful and supportive for him. We want him to have the best opportunities to reach his full potential and we will continue to fight to get what he needs! Mike is meant to be in our family and we’re so thankful that he is with us.

The funding we need to support Mike’s healing and development would amount to less than if he were to remain in foster care.  We know that children raised in permanent families with the right supports have a better chance than children who age out of care. Investing in families helps children reach their full potential. Ontario can do better to ensure #Support4EveryFamily.

Seeking Urgently Needed Permanency Support

How many of you have kids? How many of you had your family because you knew that having kids was the right thing for you and, if applicable, your partner? We knew that having a child was the right choice for us. What we didn’t expect was the violence and hate from our adopted child plus the scarcity of specific, easily-available resources and the expenses for private resources required to help our child.

We adopted our child at 10 months. And for us, the joy we experienced was indescribable. Finally, after all of those years of trying, our family was complete. And, for those of you with kids, you have experienced your own ecstasy with your child (ren). Whatever words you used, we would echo: blissful, joyful, amazing, stunning, and the list goes on.

What is so frustrating to us is the lack of specific resources to help our child and to help us help him. We know that if our child was in foster care, all the resources would be provided.

Our child has ADHD, plus anger and violence issues; as we work with adoption resources, we are starting to realize that our child’s rage is often at its peak around his arrival date anniversary and right after he meets with birth family members. Sadly, yet predictably, our child takes it out physically on us.

have experienced broken bones, walls, doors, the list goes on. We have learned that our child is, at age 13, still grieving the loss of his birth family, and he probably always will. We know that if our child does not get help that works, he will be charged. And then what? What a waste of a wonderful child’s promising future.

What is so frustrating to us is the lack of specific resources to help our child and to help us help him. We know that if our child was in foster care, all the resources would be provided. As his parents, approaching retirement, we worry about the cost of resources and how we will cope. What steps can we take to ensure that funded or subsidized, readily accessible, resources exist for all adopted children in the same way as they are available for foster children? Like you, we want to guide our child toward a fulfilling life. Like your child, our child deserves the best care.

Like you, we want to guide our child toward a fulfilling life. Like your child, our child deserves the best care.

Our children need to heal from trauma that doesn’t always reveal itself until long after placement. Families and their children cannot be left to struggle in isolation. We have to give all families the abilities, resources and tools for their children to be all they can be.

The Robertson Family Adoption Story : Supports Helped Us Tremendously

Our adoption story started in 2008 when we found out we could not have biological children. With this new understanding, we decided to move ahead with adoption as our first option over infertility treatments.

After all of the paperwork was done and the PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education) training complete, we were chosen to be parents through a private adoption agency within only four months. We were thrilled to be chosen as adoptive parents so soon. After 10 years of waiting to have a child, our dreams were coming true!

We were asked to be in the birthing room with the birthparents and were so excited to see the birth of our baby boy. After a couple of days we brought him home from the hospital and introduced him to family and friends. However, after a week of having baby Samuel home, his birthmother changed her mind and wanted her baby boy back. We were devastated. We could not imagine losing Samuel after having come to love him so deeply.

We are grateful to have an open adoption with Lucy’s birthmother. She is an important part of our family and we have set up 2-3 visits a year to spend time together. The relationship between us has grown over time.

When Samuel left, we had two major costs to pay. There was a counseling fee from the private adoption centre for costs incurred during the adoption as well as costs to end the adoption and close the file. These charges added to the emotional trauma we were feeling. There were no post-adoption supports and services to help us at that time.  The adoption practitioner encouraged us to get through this as best we could. My doctor was even less supportive, recommending I return to work to get my mind off things, instead of taking some time to grieve the loss.

If it wasn’t for our strong faith in God and the prayers of friends, family and co-workers, this story could have ended badly. Just three short months later we were picked for another adoption through the Children’s Aid Society. This time we were blessed with a baby girl, Lucy. During the 21 day waiting period we prayed a lot and were even more intentional in spending every second of the day with her. We saw it as a miracle when we were able to officially say she was able to stay. There was a lot of celebrating!

We are grateful to have an open adoption with Lucy’s birthmother. She is an important part of our family and we have set up 2-3 visits a year to spend time together. The relationship between us has grown over time. Lucy is now a fun thriving 5 year old who loves to sing and dance.

If it wasn’t for our strong faith in God and the prayers of friends, family and co-workers, this story could have ended badly.

We are so thankful for the help and advice we have received from our Children’s Aid worker. We are also grateful for the support of our monthly adoption/fostering prayer group at our church, the adoption support group through our local Children’s Aid, and the community of Adopt4Life.

Supporting others on this journey, we are available by phone to connect with anyone else who experiences an adoption reversal. A support we feel would have been invaluable to us when we experienced our adoption reversal with Samuel.

Ever hopeful, we would love to welcome another child into our family, making Lucy a big sister.

We encourage change that will give #Support4EveryFamily, as strong, empowered families make for strong, empowered children.

All of Ontario’s children deserve nothing less.

Adoption: Preventing Permanency Breakdowns Requires Support From The System

Our son, Aiden*, moved in at 10 years of age after spending 7 years in foster care.  He had lived in many homes including a foster-to-adopt placement that broke down.  He was abused mentally, physically and sexually in the foster-to-adopt placement.  He had at least one hospital visit and the police had to be involved in his removal from the foster home.  During the two years following his removal, he was not provided any kind of therapy.  A psychological assessment was done however, which diagnosed him with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD).  No one ever thought that perhaps his issues were related to trauma.  He does not have ADHD or ODD.  All the issues he has had to face to-date are the result of trauma inflicted on him and an attachment disorder.

During the adoption process, we were not made aware of the abuse inflicted on our son. The agency has not been very forthcoming with regard to his history.  After about 6 months in our home, issues relating to trauma started to show.  The agency referred us to a psychologist for an assessment.  Unfortunately this psychologist is known for not delivering reports.  We waited for half a year only to get a 4 page report with basically nothing in it.   

All children in foster care should receive trauma therapy without question and this should continue throughout their life – adopted or not. 

We found a private therapist who specialized in trauma and attachment.  We then went back to the agency for funding.  The agency is not keen on paying for anything, citing no money in budget.  I had to remind them that our child was abused while in their care and it should not fall on the adoptive parents to pay for treatment.  All children in foster care should receive trauma therapy without question and this should continue throughout their life – adopted or not.  Interestingly enough, he went to Kumon twice a week and never to therapy while in foster care.  He is incredibly bright and does not need Kumon. What he does need is therapy to help him heal from trauma experienced by his birth family, apprehension and abuses while in foster care.

During the finalization of adoption, we were not assisted with any paperwork such as his health card, social insurance number (SIN), school registration, passport, etc.  Nothing was provided to help us navigate what neededto be done once your child is in the home.  We stumbled through this on our own.

We also asked repeatedly for a permanency support group.  We have since found out there is one locally and we actively participate in it, however this seemed to be news to the adoption workers back when we were asking about it.  Being a part of this group would have helped immensely during the first year to get some much needed support and direction from those on the same journey. 

The agency is willing to let a placement break down instead of helping struggling families.  No respite, no funding, no basic assistance.  The motto ‘it’s all about the child’

During the stage when we were still on probation and things were not going well, we asked for respite.  We desperately needed a break.  We were told this is not an option.  No funding for breaks for worn out parents. The agency is willing to let a placement break down instead of helping struggling families.  No respite, no funding, no basic assistance.  The motto ‘it’s all about the child’ needs to be replaced with ‘it’s all about the money or lack thereof’. 

Ontario can do better with how they take care of their crown wards, how they manage the adoption process and how they support families post adoption. An important place to begin is adequate and timely province wide #Support4EveryFamily in the form of local support groups and funding to meet children’s specific needs.

* Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individual and family

Recommendation for Mandatory Trauma and Attachment Training

After we completed our PRIDE training, our worker advised it would take at least a year to match us with a child. We waited almost two years for our daughter. It was a lengthy and sometimes heart-breaking wait. We were contacted three times with awaiting children, and went to A.R.Es in Toronto during this time frame. The first child we were called about, we felt would be a great match, and the other two children we didn’t feel we could connect with; with each time, we thought, well, this could be our last chance.

When our worker called to inform us about the first child, we were so excited and felt quite strongly that she was the one. As time went on, we began to realize that there were also other families waiting for this child. Families that might be a better match, because they had other children, or because they had experience with whatever issues the child may be facing. It became quite discouraging and it was hard to remain positive.

We were informed at the first meeting that she (our daughter) was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), attachment issues, anxiety disorder, and had been through a failed adoption

When we were matched with our daughter it was of course a very exciting time. When we first met with our worker, we weren’t too sure whether or not we were the only awaiting family, but when we asked, we found out we were. We received some background information, but because she came from another agency, the information took some time. We were informed at the first meeting that she was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), attachment issues, anxiety disorder, and had been through a failed adoption. Right away we thought it would be advisable to take some courses, and start going to the adoption adult support group that was offered by Simcoe County. It was at the group that we learned of a highly recommended therapist who was offering a course on trauma and attachment issues. My husband and I both agreed it would be a great course to take considering her background, and we also wanted to be as proactive as possible. We had already started weekend visits with our daughter, and were bonding with her when we received additional important information. We were told because of our daughter’s age, she had one of the most difficult files they had ever seen; more and more it made good sense for us to take this course on Trauma and Attachment. The course was $650, but both of us considered it a worthwhile investment. Unfortunately , Children’s Aid was not able to offer financial support for this, citing that it did not qualify as “adoption support”, but rather counselling support for us as parents instead [huh?]). We preceded to register for the course at our own expense. The course, along with the adoption support group, have given us the skills and confidence to continue on with our journey. Our daughter has been living with us for 4 months now and we are awaiting our adoption finalization.

Each adoptive parent is essentially becoming a therapeutic parental therapist, so the preparation and training needs to be thorough, and serious.

We feel the pre-adoption or adoption process should be a three point plan:

1. Pride training: which we have come to think of as a “basic care” type of package. This is the initiation into the world of adoption, but not nearly enough to adopt a traumatized child.

2. Attachment and trauma training: this is where you will really learn about adoption issues, and how to manage them. Without this type of training, it’s like driving a car for the first time in your life and going on the 401 after only a talk about what a car is and how it works. Your adoption will be lucky to survive, and at best it will be very painful on all. Included here we recommend a mandatory book list for reading.

3. Financial support for therapies and support of educational training: adoptive parents need a dossier – a kit on what support and groups are available and who to call when support is needed. Participation in support groups should be mandatory for year 1 at a minimum, and then optional for year 2 to help support other adoptive parents. Full financial information on costs of therapists available in the area and what is covered under an adoption plan would also help families once their child(ren) come home.

Each adoptive parent is essentially becoming a therapeutic parental therapist, so the preparation and training needs to be thorough, and serious.

These three recommendations require a long-term view on adoption. We would argue that the cost of failed adoptions in the long run costs more to the provincial funds, than the three points plan above. You either pay now or pay later, and later will cost more and can cost people their lives; failed adoptees are at the risk of homelessness, entering the criminal justice system, substance misuse, further abuse, etc. The whole point of this is to stop the repetitive cycle isn’t it? For this, a longer time horizon than 3, 6 or 9 months is required.

You either pay now or pay later, and later will cost more and can cost people their lives; failed adoptees are at the risk of homelessness, entering the criminal justice system, substance misuse, further abuse, etc.

It’s possible that those best at removing children from harm are “not” as qualified when it comes to supporting post permanency families.

We were only made aware of very critical information after our child had had already moved into our home. The file on her was not complete, and still isn’t. Ultimately between the two agencies involved, the delays in critical information has been hard to understand and accept. The situation has built questions, not trust. We are still struggling with this. Now, there are probably reasons behind the delays that we are just not allowed to know, so we march on, and do our best to work positively with the resources available to us. CAS has been supportive, but we feel their hands are tied to what support they can ultimately provide.

To better support families, things like the provincial adoption subsidy should be graduated and not stopped at the current 85k annual income qualification. That can be a disincentive for parents trying to work harder to be more self-sufficient. Make a dollar over 80k, and you lose 10k, how does that make sense to anyone? We would like to see a change to graduate qualifying income from 70k to 100k, and stop penalizing parents for working harder.

If only one single recommended change could be made to the adoption process, we would ask that trauma and attachment training following a match be made mandatory.  The training should predate the first visits and “placement” by half the length of the training, so the adoptive parents get a grounding first, and have reflective support while getting to know their child. That would be an invaluable and important place to start.

#Support4EveryFamily means providing the right resources, including training

Evidence for Supported Post-vention: Finalizing Adoptions Should Not Mean Cutting Supports

Our daughter Stephanie* spent the first 9 years of her life in foster care. Well, that’s not completely true; she bounced between her birth family and foster care, the first four years, before becoming a Crown Ward at age 4. Crown Ward status didn’t mean the bouncing stopped; she never lived in one home for longer than 18 months. Stephanie moved in with my husband Keith and I at 9.5 years of age, and we are approaching celebrating 3 years as a family. As a direct result of her time in Ontario’s foster care system, she suffers from a multitude of mental health issues. She struggles with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Anxiety, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), executive functioning issues, extreme speech delay, learning disabilities and emotional regulation challenges. She spent most of her early life trying to survive. Day to day activities like school, social interactions, or even driving down the street, were potentially triggering for her. We have been on wait lists for years, and it took us 8 visits to the ER for them to recognize that she was trying to hurt herself and admither into a short stay program.

The most heartbreaking part is when she crawls into my lap crying that she wants help, she doesn't understand these big emotions and yearns for our help.

The most heartbreaking part (even more than seeing my 12 year old being physically restrained by a police officer in our home) is when she crawls into my lap crying that she wants help, she doesn't understand these big emotions and yearns for our help. We continue to try and try, but there is only so much we can do.

Families need supports after adoption placement. It is incredibly difficult to find practitioners who are trained or experienced with the unique challenges children who have been adopted face. And when you do find them, it’s typically months, with long waiting lists, followed by a huge financial commitment. In addition, children in care are also at a disadvantage in that they cannot always get to early intervention services on a reliable and consistent basis, so when they are adopted they are forced to play catch up. For example, since joining our family, Stephanie has attended weekly speech therapy in order for her to reach the goals that most kids half her age have already passed. There was no one available to drive her 1 hour each way to the closest speech therapist so she went months without. Now consider that we face the same scenario with dental services and subsequent orthodontic issues, occupational therapy, psychological services, and even literacy support. No one read to her as it wasn’t their job. My husband and I have taken significant time away from our respective jobs in order to get her to specialist appointments. Neither of us can afford to take a leave of absence because it’s those jobs that allow us to pay for those specialist. We don’t take family vacations because that money funds therapy.

Why can't we help with that? Timely and qualified help will improve the quality of her life, the lives of everyone she touches, and the lives of Ontarians who have similar struggles.

Please support our children and our families. If our kids can get the mental health supports they need while they are children, they will be less dependent on support systems as adults, and more likely to become happy, successful, contributing members of society. It is time to fund additional research and then do something with the results! Early interventions are key in preventing additional diagnoses. Labels do not matter to my daughter (diagnoses or letters attached to her profile), our daughter wants to get better. Why can't we help with that? Timely and qualified help will improve the quality of her life, the lives of everyone she touches, and the lives of Ontarians who have similar struggles. #Support4EveryFamily will help our children be all they can be now and in the future.

Feeling Abandoned: A System That Forgets Its Children and their Families

John and Jane went to the Adoption Resource Exchange in hopes of becoming parents and were intimidated by the process. The whole experience of watching videos of children, walking into a room full of workers talking about children in their care, and gleaning information from summarized cards was emotional and daunting. The ARE is a bi-annual conference hosted by the Ministry of Children and Youth Services where adoptive families and Ontario’s children who are waiting to be adopted are matched. It is for adoptive parents who have already completed all the paperwork and clearances required in order to adopt. It looked like a marketplace and it took them some time to get over their feelings they had about this process. This all changed when they came across a video of an 8 year old boy. They quickly went and found the Children’s Aid Society (CAS) that he was attached to and began the process of identifying their interest.

For years, John and Jane had been encouraged to look to the Children’s Aid to grow their family and they expected that they would be supported once their child was placed with them; much to their frustration and surprise, this has not been the case.

John and Jane were very conscientious and wanted to know more about this little boy. A meeting with the CAS was set up so the needs of the child could be explored in more depth. John and Jane walked away from that meeting knowing that this child had experienced a very tragic past. At the same time, they felt that with the proper supports he could, in time, heal and become healthier. John and Jane felt they were up to the task and wanted to be his parents.

The process of moving their son into their home was a whirlwind experience of social worker visits and medical appointments. In all of the literature that John and Jane read, there is often a “honeymoon period” with the new child in the house. This did not happen for Jane and John with their new little boy. He was a very angry child who had been hurt with multiple moves and two disrupted adoptive placements prior to being placed with them. The child had been split from siblings and he had been sexually abused in care. John and Jane really struggled. They desperately wanted to make this work but they knew they were on the road to disruption if they did not get some help. The hopeful adoptive parents approached the CAS for support and were told that they do not provide post-adoptive supports. It is up to adoptive parents to find those supports and to fund them. The CAS was not their local Society for the jurisdiction where they lived, and the workers told John and Jane that they wouldn’t know what to look for in their community even if they could support them. John and Jane were better to look for themselves; they felt very alone in this process. Family and friends did not understand what they were going through and it broke their hearts to see their son struggle. Feeling like they were abandoned by the CAS, it was hard on their personal relationships and it was financially draining. For years, John and Jane had been encouraged to look to the Children’s Aid to grow their family and they expected that they would be supported once their child was placed with them; much to their frustration and surprise, this has not been the case.

Statistics show far greater outcomes when children are raised in “forever” homes.

Ontario can do better! We can’t leave families to struggle alone. Empowering families to help their children is necessary if we wish to reduce the likelihood of disruption; this will increase the likelihood of children reaching their full potential.  Research shows that providing peer support, as well as funding therapies, to help children of trauma heal is far less costly than the alternatives of foster care and group care. Statistics show far greater outcomes when children are raised in “forever” homes.  Together we can ensure #AHome4EveryKid with #Support4EveryFamily !

Keeping Up Appearances: Self-help vs. Reaching Out

We were lucky to have support of friends who had been through the adoption process during our first year and a half as a new family. But I know it would have been beneficial if we had had more, especially a local peer support group, so we could have spent less time doubting ourselves during the challenges. The more understanding we gain, the better parents we can and will be.

Ben*, our happy, affectionate, very busy toddler, moved in with us nearly 2 months after we got the call that we had been matched; a month after we met him for the first time. I had to quickly wrap up things at work and worked full time through the transition period training my replacements until our son moved in with us. I was barely out of the shock that I was now a mom to a 19 month old boy, when my parental leave and status of full time mom began. 

Ben* is very loving and affectionate. He is also a typical toddler who goes through extreme mood swings. Being a new parent, we weren’t fully prepared for his behaviours. In addition to this, he was suddenly in a new home, with new people, and unable to communicate his fears and confusion. He would frequently act out by grabbing my hair in his hands and pulling. Even when tied back in a ponytail he would get a grip near the roots and rip out my hair. He also would bang his head backwards on the wall or his high chair. We added padding in areas to prevent him from injury as we tried to understand the behaviour by searching online for answers. Our frustrations increased as suggestions found didn’t help. There were additional factors that needed to be considered which parenting sites did not address.

Finally I stopped hiding my concerns and reached out for help. I wish I had done it sooner. I have a friend in child development and asked her about the head banging. She told me it was actually a way toddlers soothe themselves and recommended I check my own anxiety as they feel and react to it. She also cheered me on and said not to give up on myself. We needed to hear this positive reinforcement! After she explained the behaviour I would tell him to hug himself, and would hug myself for him to mirror the action. This calmed him and soon the banging incidents stopped. The hair pulling took longer, but thankfully ended as well. If we had had someone to share with from the beginning where we did not feel any judgement, it would have made it easier for us, which would have benefited Ben*.

If we had had someone to share with from the beginning where we did not feel any judgement, it would have made it easier for us, which would have benefited Ben*.

Why didn’t I reach out sooner? I was afraid to tell anyone I was struggling -- we had gone through so much to become his parents. We didn’t want to seem like after all that, we weren’t capable. So we glossed it over to people, smiling and sharing cute pictures.

During the first month there were times I cried and questioned if I was cut out for parenthood. I wasn’t the ‘natural mom’ my friends said I would be. I called my mom or sister everyday with questions, or just for comfort. Then my husband suggested we try an idea from an adoptive mom we knew. We marked the days on the calendar either a good day or bad day, depending on how each day went. She said even when it all seemed too overwhelming we would start to notice slowly that there would be less bad days, more good. I had 4 bad days in a row before there was a good day. Then it got better. It was great to have this tip from someone who had been there.

Finding balance at home was tricky and straining on my relationship with my husband (as is with all new parents).  At first my husband didn’t understand how much I needed his help, how much our life had changed, taking away the previous luxury of excessive ‘me’ time. For instance, I needed him to spend an hour with Ben* at the end of his workday so I could have a break to make dinner. Ben* was very clingy and wanted to be carried by me most of the afternoon, so dinner prep was awkward. He was 28 pounds that I wasn’t used to carrying and my body ached! To add to everything, the first week he was teething and we had no hot water for the weekend as our gas was shut off Friday afternoon when we detected a small leak. In short, we were tested! Fortunately we soon got our schedules adjusted to make things work for our family.

As happy and content as I was on parental leave, spending my days with Ben*, was isolating too. Peer support would have lifted some of the confusion and loneliness. Suddenly having a new family member, who already has a personality, who is scared and confused, who you do need time with to build the attachment bond, is overwhelming. We can’t help but feel under a microscope with CAS visits as they take their notes during probation; something most new parents don’t have to deal with on top of navigating parenthood. Luckily, we had a great adoption worker who encouraged me to go to drop in centres as she knew how much I needed to get out and talk to other moms. However, I was too shy and self-conscious the first few months to go after my first drop-in experience where Ben* was stubborn and tested me. I felt there were some judgemental caregivers at the centre and I felt very uncomfortable. In contrast, peer support where we can be open, honest with fears and frustrations, and also share exciting moments of bonding and discovery can only make us better, happier, healthier parents for these amazing children we are blessed to have in our family.

Establishing local peer groups throughout the province and encouraging new families to join these groups is necessary.  Building communities with other adoptive families in order to share experiences, resources and normalize adoption for our children is an invaluable gift with immeasurable benefits.  Just one simple solution towards helping keep families together, allowing their children to reach their full potential.

*name changed

Adoption, Multiple Diagnoses, and the Emotional & Financial Trauma of a Broken System

On March 15th 2007, our beautiful girl was brought to us. Eighteen months later we had our day in court.  When the judge announced “you are now a forever family” my husband and I would have never guessed how alone and abandoned we would feel post-adoption, when the emotional damage resulting from her adoption and past traumas would arise.

In May 2010, after years of struggling with behaviours, our daughter was finally diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). This diagnosis was received with mix emotions. Although we were devastated with the prognosis, we were hopeful to finally have a direction, a name for what we were experiencing. We immediately started searching for the best, most experienced professionals in the attachment field. We were thrilled when we found someone only forty minutes from our home and were anxious to get started. Once we knew this was the therapy our daughter needed, we contacted our adoption worker; we were hoping to find support and some financial assistance with the therapy sessions. We found that our worker and the organization were less than enthusiastic about helping us. We ended up having to go to great lengths to try and obtain any support. When we finally did, it was very limited and we had to jump through many hoops to receive funding.

Although we were devastated with the prognosis, we were hopeful to finally have a direction, a name for what we were experiencing.

Over the following years we have invested thousands of dollars in therapy, all the while living solely on my husband’s salary, as working out of the house is not possible with the attention our daughter needs.

Last spring, after paying for more evaluations from a pediatric psychologist, further diagnoses were revealed, which brought better understanding about our daughter and her needs, but also the need for more support. We contacted our adoption worker with copies of the most recent diagnoses which are, Oppositional Deviance Disorder (ODD), Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and behaviours consistent with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). We were not surprised when we were shuffled from one department to the next, with no answers, no follow up, no support, no suggestions, nothing. I spoke to many representatives from the agency we adopted our daughter from. Through tears, frustration, and fear, I explained we needed help; I begged for someone to help us and to help her. No one, not one, could give us any help or direction. This is because there is no post adoption support infrastructure in place. Once an adoption has been completed, the agency no longer has a mandate to support that child which means that adoptive families are left to fend for themselves in helping their children to heal from past traumas.

We were not surprised when we were shuffled from one department to the next, with no follow up, no support, no suggestions, and no answers.

The determination of an adoptive parent is unmatched. We are fighters, and that same fight that brought us to our children, extends to them and their needs. My husband and I never discussed IF we would pursue therapy for our daughter, we just made it happen. It has not been easy -- We feel alone, abandoned and helpless.

The solution is clear:  

·         Funding dedicated to permanency support when children are placed in their “forever families” needs to be established provincially with all agencies.

·         As adoptive parents, we need to spread the word and speak out. We shouldn’t be left isolated and alone trying to heal our children. It takes many adults to make an adoption happen, and it takes many to support the continued success of this adoption.

There isn’t a more hopeless feeling than not being able to help your child.

We can change this, we can ensure better outcomes for our children. Together we can change the future of adoption.

Hopes of Change for Ontario’s Children & the Need for Consistency within the System

I am writing this letter with hopes of change for the children of Ontario.   The number of children without a permanent home and family is alarming.  We are fortunate to have been placed with three beautiful children who sadly could have been in the same situation.  We have found through our adoption experiences that there are vast differences in supports between agencies and even within the same agency.  

We had two very different adoptions.  Our fist son was placed with us at birth through our local Family and Children’s Services; it was a consent adoption and both birth mother and father had equal input. It has been a wonderful experience and because he came to us straight from the hospital, he has had very little trauma and we maintain contact with his birth mother and his biological siblings.  

Our second adoption was a sibling group of two brothers matched through the semi-annual Adoption Resource Exchange (ARE). The process was lengthy and we found the agency workers were not clear on their timelines and expectations.  The children are of First Nations heritage which further complicated the process.  We were able to be selected to be their parents because our first son also has First Nations heritage.  Our two younger boys resided in two separate foster homes just minutes from each other, and surprisingly, they had very limited contact with each other. At the time of placement, they were one and two years old. 

Our middle son was in a very messy and busy foster home; the foster mother was a single mother with three young biological children and three foster children. She was not happy that he was placed with us and made his transition quite difficult. Our son came home malnourished, underweight and, emotionally, very unstable. We completed the transition period that involved travel without any transition support. Furthermore, my wife had to give up her source of income for 6 months before we were eligible for the Ontario Adoption Subsidy for siblings.

All children should be able to access services and supports to help them reach their full potential, no matter whom the worker is or which agency they are supported by. 

After a settling in period, we began to see behaviours indicative of the trauma our middle son had experienced as he felt more comfortable in our home. He was not able to receive affection when given to him; especially from me, his mother.  He began having more and more trouble regulating his emotions and participating in family time.  He really had no idea how to be loved.  As this went on we found out that his foster mother was being investigated for not providing the children with adequate food and a safe place to live.  Our son had been left in his bed for hours on end with little to no stimulation.

Our local social worker was very supportive and took great care of supervising us post-placement.  She took meticulous notes and noted the physical and emotional challenges our son was experiencing.  The biggest concern was his lack of acceptance of the love and affection we yearned to give him.  We were advised that he may need some play based attachment therapy to help him trust and attach to us. Our local worker presented our children’s home agency with all of the notes pertaining to the issues our son was experiencing, and during this time, the permanency worker at the younger boy’s home agency changed. The new worker pushed and got funding for his therapy in a very timely manner and our son was granted full coverage of costs. This was not what we had previously come to expect from this agency. This post-adoption support was such a great help to our son.  He has become a loving, affectionate child -- very different from those early concerning days.  He loves to play with his brothers and has made a smooth transition to Junior Kindergarten this past fall. 

The majority of children adopted from foster care have experienced trauma. All children should be able to access services and supports to help them reach their full potential, no matter whom the worker is or which agency they are supported by.  

All children deserve to accept love, give love, be happy and able to live up to their full potential.

We are urging Ontario to do better! #Support4EveryFamily will provide the best outcome for these children, their new families, and ultimately for Ontarians.

Grieving Adoptive Children and the Need for Permanency Support.

Before getting married, we knew that adoption was going to be a part of our family journey.  We both wanted to expand our family through adoption, and felt a strong pull towards doing something about all the children around the world who grow up without any parents at all or a family to call their own.  Once we felt ready to start our family, we quickly dove into the world of birthing our children through paperwork; we filled out forms, acquired clearances and references sent out as fast as we could.  After completing all the necessary training, checks and balances, we set out to find the children who would help us build our family.

We specifically wanted to adopt siblings, having both come from larger families, and we were also very interested in adopting older children.  It didn’t take long for us to fall in love with the four school aged children meant to be ours.  Our kids are all very close in age, and we have had tons of fun teaching them how to skate, going swimming, going on outings as a family and seeing every “first” and milestone that we can enjoy as a family.

As anyone with a connection to adoption knows, the amazing gift of our children first came at the expense of them enduring great loss.  Loss and grief have a huge impact on children, and ours were also exposed to abuse and neglect at ages that they can remember.  As a couple in our late twenties when we adopted our children, we originally were a double income family and still paying off some school debt while getting on our feet.  Tripling our family size has meant a huge increase in the grocery bill, a move to a larger home, and much more money needing to go towards any kind of family recreation.  As well, we quickly realized that after our parental leave benefits were over, I would not be able to return to work.  All four kids have deep rooted fears around abandonment, and it is very important for them to have a parent who is able to focus on being there for them whenever needed. 

As anyone with a connection to adoption knows, the amazing gift of our children first came at the expense of them enduring great loss. 

Since the kids have come home and we’ve delved deeper into their past trauma, we’ve realized that we need more support than just trying to “fix” everything and everyone ourselves.  We’ve worked with a counselor since the beginning who has been invaluable to our family.  Unfortunately medical insurance only covers a few visits per family member, but my husband and I find we need her support to help therapeutically parent our children.  The kids have some other needs that also aren’t covered by our benefits.  While we wouldn’t change our family for the world, and have no regrets, we definitely feel the financial strain of trying to provide opportunities for our children to heal, to be regular kids, and to receive support.   While we do receive some help from the Ontario government for adopting siblings, we have not received any help from the local Family and Children’s Services with costs for the counseling and therapies our children need post-adoption.   We know I will not be able to go back to work for quite some time, and are also exploring homeschooling to help our kids relieve the anxiety they feel everyday going to school.  It can be a lonely road without the right people in place to support us, or the financial help to enable our children to find the healing and help that they need and deserve.

Ontario can do better!  #Support4EveryFamily is needed to ensure all families formed by adoption, kinship or customary care have the best opportunity to be successful and that their children can reach their full potential. To not address this need is unacceptable.

The Value of Permanency Support

My post-adoption  journey has mainly been one that included support; this helped achieve permanency for my child.  However, I think that nearly every family could use more support than has been offered traditionally in Ontario.  I adopted a little girl just over a year ago.  She was just past her third birthday at the time and I am a single mom; she is my only child. 

The first unfortunate thing about our adoption story is that she moved in just 7 days before Christmas.  If I had to do it again, I would have liked to have someone talk to me more about the potential risks/benefits of adding a very stressful event to a very hectic time of year.  I’m glad that she was with me for Christmas but we were very overwhelmed at Christmas and it’s made for mixed memories and additional emotional upheaval.  It also meant that professional supports were not available for the first two weeks after placement.  Our adoption worker has been fantastic and even provided her home number to me in the event that I needed supports over the holidays (which unfortunately, I did and am glad to report that she was very gracious about helping me during her time off).    

Not to be so callous as to focus on financial need ahead of the needs of my family, but the positive side of adopting in the earlier calendar year, meant that I was able to claim my daughter on my income tax as a dependent for that year, even though she had been with me for less than a month.  This was significant since I took a full parental leave and as a single parent, we didn’t have the benefit of additional income during this important time of establishing a relationship together.  

Friends and family were very supportive during my journey and I found having some adoptive families to connect with provided much support and reassurance.  I wish more of these types of informal supports were available to new families.  Perhaps agencies could offer ways for families at different stages of the process to connect if they desired.  While we didn’t have any huge issues around attachment, I do wish that there were more professional support options available to adoptive kids and their new families.  There are times in the last year that I would have found it very reassuring to check in with someone and ensure that I was making the best parenting choices and using good attachment strategies.  Unfortunately, these types of professional supports would have needed to be paid for out of my own expenses and that was not manageable for me at the time.

#Support4EveryFamily, including peer support and funding for individualized therapies across the province, will help families stay together and children to reach their full potential.

I wish that adoptive parents had more options in terms of taking at least a full, if not an extended, parental leave.  I was glad to have every minute off that I was able (35 weeks of EI) with employer top-ups for the first several months, but financially I was unable to take a longer leave which I would have found helpful in further attaching with my daughter and in transitioning her to school.  Even a modified leave of returning to work part-time would have been helpful had that been an option.

My final concern in this process is around finalization.  For us, this was delayed and I was told by my adoption worker that the courts had been unable to sign off because they could not find my daughter’s crown wardship papers.  It is very concerning to me that these could have somehow been misplaced or discarded and I worry about where this confidential information may have ended up.  It also added much unnecessary stress as weeks went by, well beyond the date that I was told would bring our finalization papers.  

All in all, our story is one in which I did feel fairly supported, but I do believe strongly that there is room for improvement.

There are so many simple ways that Ontario can do better for it ‘s children.  #Support4EveryFamily, including peer support and funding for individualized therapies across the province, will help families stay together and children to reach their full potential.

More Post Permanency Support Needed

My partner and I waited 2 years before we found out we were matched with 2 brothers and would become a family. Almost immediately, everything we learned about the transition period from PRIDE training (PRIDE: Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education – is a mandatory training in order to become AdoptReady) was thrown out the window. Due to an uncooperative foster family, the placement needed to be expedited to prevent them from sabotaging the placement. Ten days after we met our boys for the 1st time, the boys moved in. We immediately went from having no kids to having 2 school-aged children in our home without having much time to think about it; support was going to be needed!

The agency assigned adoption worker told us about the province’s sibling subsidy. However, we earned more money than the province allowed in order to receive a subsidy.  An issue is the maximum income threshold does not take into account the location where the family resides. A family earning $85,000 in downtown Toronto has a much different lifestyle than a family earning the same amount in rural Ontario. The subsidy definitely would have helped but, according to the province, we earned more than needed to parent 2 boys.

Being able to be open and clear in communications has helped us feel we didn’t have to hide our fears and concerns, allowing us to get needed and appropriate help sooner.

A few months into the placement stress levels were high, the shock of instantly becoming a family had not gone away, we felt alone, and were worried the adoption might fail because we weren’t bonding with our children. We asked the adoption worker if there was an adoption support group we could attend. The adoption worker thought the local CAS offered one; . unfortunately, because the boys were adopted out of  a different CAS, CAS in our catchment area refused to allow us to attend their support group; they denied us services.

We did receive some positive support. The CAS we adopted our boys from immediately agreed to pay for an attachment therapist to help our family. Initially we were not sure how to use the therapist, but as time went on we were very happy to have the therapist’s support. She has helped us get through some scary periods and helped the boys understand why everything happened. We are optimistic the agency will continue to pay for the therapist after the adoption is finalized.

The adoption worker has also been very helpful and supportive. Being able to be open and clear in communications has helped us feel we didn’t have to hide our fears and concerns, allowing us to get needed and appropriate help sooner.

We are now doing well and all fears of an adoption disruption have disappeared. We are happy to be where we are now, but know that things could have been easier if the post  permanency support structure in the province was stronger and in place throughout the province. Ontario can do better in ensuring adequate, accessible and timely #Support4EveryFamily!

Post Adoption FASD Diagnosis

Support Needed to Identify and Address Latent FASD in Adopted Children

My husband and I adopted our son in eastern Ontario in January 2007 at the age of 11 months.  He was adopted out of foster care, having been removed from his birth home at the age of 5 months for chronic physical and emotional neglect, and exposure to domestic violence.  Our son was amazing- an early walker, huge eater and very, very sociable.  At the outset, he had issues with regulation and sleeping, but this was to be expected during his transition as a toddler. 

After three months of testing, we were furnished with a very different picture of our son's mental health than we'd begun with  - he tested in the moderate range for most things, but was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.

Over the coming years, and certainly once formal daycare and schooling began, our son began to confront significant challenges with physical aggression, disruptions, and behaviours inconsistent with what we knew of his early development.  We engaged all varieties of professionals that we could, and obtained a very thorough (and expensive) private neuropsychological examination to ascertain any brain-based evidence of delays.

This assessment was holistic, and examined each variable of his developmental progress - physical, cognitive, and social, amongst others. After three months of testing, we were furnished with a very different picture of our son's mental health than we'd begun with - he tested in the moderate range for most things, but was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder; this included profound anxiety, sleep disorder, and sensory processing deficits.  His behaviour was escalating at home and at school, and his frustrations, raging tantrums and lack of any healthy level of sleep was having tremendous impacts on our family. 

We have steadfastly and un-endingly searched for supports for him and for our whole family; positive trauma-based parenting training, attachment therapy, trauma therapies, neurological/psychological/physical medical investigations for underlying causes, school support services, respite and other FASD services.   In the end, we have been consistently reminded of 4 things:

1.  Our son has a permanent and unchanging brain injury.  While a diagnosis can assist with seeking school based accommodations, the field of FASD "treatment" is embryonic, therefore, there are no specific services available for him or for the family.  Full-time close supervision and structure -- this is the available 'prescription'; we'd best look for some good friends to help out.

2.  His injuries were not divulged at the time of his adoption, and he was therefore not a 'special needs' adoption.  Our efforts to secure small periods of respite through the CAS post-permanency subsidy were nothing short of Herculean.   We received short-term, temporary funding for emergency respite only (with a clearly defined end-date) because he is not considered to be eligible for ongoing post-permanency supports, despite his profoundly challenging behaviours and the thick files of medical documentation available to the agency.

If FASD testing had taken place pre-placement (as is the case for all crown wards in Alberta), we would have been better equipped with the knowledge of his needs much earlier in life, and begun to look for other families and innovative services at the beginning of our adoption. 

3.  There are many, many, many families living this very same reality, and confronting the same obstacles we face in getting appropriate post-permanency services for their children.   While the knowledge of these other families is reassuring, it is no less isolating in our search to help our son.   

4. If FASD testing had taken place pre-placement (as is the case for all crown wards in Alberta), we would have been better equipped with the knowledge of his needs much earlier in life, and begun to look for other families and innovative services at the beginning of our adoption.  The services that are privately available (respite, special needs camps, counselling and therapies, tutoring, and legal representation when our children run into conflict with the law,  etc) are tremendously expensive and well beyond the financial reach of most adoptive families.  It is absolutely not unrealistic for these services, critical as they are, to be covered for other special needs adoptions where the needs are known in advance.  Ontario has much to do to ensure that families adopting children with FASD are better supported to ensure the best possible outcomes for our children.

For children to reach their full potential, they need families that are supported and positioned to help them.

When anger moved in – Love is not sufficient

Achieving Post Permanency Stability

In October 2012, my husband and I attended our first ARE (Adoption Resource Exchange) to explore adoption possibilities, and we never expected to discover our children that very day. Our hearts were immediately stolen when we saw three children, all siblings, ages 9, 13, and 15.

“I felt lost. I needed to know that what I was going through was normal, because I began to think our children could never attach.”

Although we didn’t plan on adopting three children at once, we couldn’t stop thinking about them. In less than two months we discovered we would be their lucky parents and after thirteen weeks of visits, our children moved in with us.

Nothing prepared me for the anger that “moved in” with the children. Within days, I was feeling completely defeated. My children resisted my attempts to bond, screamed that they hated me, and showed us over and over that they didn’t want to be part of our family. All I wanted to do was love them, and when every attempt was met with hostility, I felt lost. I needed to know that what I was going through was normal, because I began to think our children could never attach. We did have the support of our Adoption Practitioner who was supervising our children during our “Free Home” status, but this help wasn’t sufficient. There should have been a system in place from the start that was designed to support us so we could better help our children.

Had we been immediately matched with another adoptive family who could normalize the struggles we faced and offer help and support to overcome the challenges, our transition would not have been nearly as devastating. Books are helpful, but it isn’t the same as being validated by experienced adoptive parents.

The rate of divorce amongst adoptive parents is the highest. Without support either the marriage could break down or the adoption process could be terminated.

I wish our Children’s Aid had offered respite services to help us transition. Building a family with traumatized children can be hugely stressful for a couple, no matter how strong the relationship. The rate of divorce amongst adoptive parents is the highest. Without support a marriage can break down or the adoption process could be terminated. People trying to work through the strain of non-stop turmoil can only take so much.

Because of my professional expertise working with those with disabilities and those struggling with mental health, I had anticipated some difficulties and already had my youngest added to the HincksDellcrest Centre's waitlist, a child and youth mental health service provider. Adoptive kids are often severely neglected or abused, have experienced incredibly traumatic events, and routinely suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result. It is impossible for the average person to imagine what these children have been through.

It is inconceivable that there is no system in place to help these children begin healing once in a permanent home, and it is unconscionable that we expect inexperienced parents to handle a child’s previously endured trauma skilfully. It is no wonder so many families simply cannot cope and give up on the process.

My family’s veil of darkness slowly lifted once our CAS understood our crisis and supported our needs for a subsidy. Each child benefited from a $5,000 subsidy, which have been used for therapy. It also affords us the services of an attachment therapist who gave my husband and I the knowledge and understanding needed to cope with the trauma our children were expressing, as well as helping me to work on my own personal story that came to play when the children moved in.

Families desperately need help.  Without it, far too many children are at risk of being returned to the system, losing yet another family and a chance at stability—something which causes irreparable damage.

Love is not sufficient to heal traumatized children, but as it stands in our current system, that is all parents are expected to offer.

Families desperately need help.  Without it, far too many children are at risk of being returned to the system, losing yet another family and a chance at stability—something which causes irreparable damage. Many adults who might offer loving homes simply don’t because of the fear they cannot manage, and in truth, most families are not equipped to handleforseen and unforeseen complexities that may arise. Our government needs to understand the need of Post-Permanency Support so that children and families can thrive.

#Ontario#Support4EveryFamily#Subsidy

Agencies and Society Needs to Invest in Adoptive Families

Help our children move beyond their dark pasts and into bright futures.

Several years ago we adopted a large sibling group. It was a significant challenge from the get-go because of severe problematic behaviour. The children lashed out, screamed for hours, hurt themselves and hit us, ran away, and damaged our belongings. These otherwise lovely children could no longer cope with their past trauma, and they didn't have any ability to process the volatile emotions that were overwhelming them as they were forced to start a new life. Again.

Trying to help children with traumatic backgrounds can be an emotionally depleting experience for a parent, and it is a giant challenge trying to hold together "normal" lives while things are in chaos. What is disheartening and demoralizing is that often no one else knows what families endure, that they face great strain every moment of the day, and there is no one to offer help or even empathy. Friends and family often have no experience with foster and adopted children and can be unable to offer any respite as they simply don't have the tools to manage extremely difficult behaviour. 

As time moved on we were blindsided by numerous diagnoses and (dis)abilities. We had no idea that the effects of in utero drug and alcohol abuse had caused intellectual complexities, sensory issues, physio needs, and caused other delays that made developmental progression slow. The children needed non-stop supervision because of poor impulse control or inability to foresee consequences. This greatly complicated the emotional healing that needed to be priority.

If society and state remove these children from birth families because they are at risk and will fare better elsewhere, then society also has a duty to provide the funds necessary to care for the children's well-being, whether through counselling, tutoring, or offering respite to families who desperately need a break so that they can continue to love and nurture the children.

It is so important that adoptive families be offered the help and guidance of professionals who can normalize the children's behaviour, who can offer correct diagnoses so that proper care can be offered, and who can offer empathy and support for parents as they know full-well the daunting task the parents face. Just as importantly, funds need to be available for families to access these professionals. It is absolutely unjust for agencies to walk away after handing over the most vulnerable, explosive, or terrified children in society to well-meaning parents who may be entirely unprepared. If society and state remove these children from birth families because they are at risk and will fare better elsewhere, then society also has a duty to provide the funds necessary to care for the children's well-being, whether through counselling, tutoring, or offering respite to families who desperately need a break so that they can continue to love and nurture the children. Agencies and society needs to invest in these families so that in fact the children do fare better than they would have if left in their homes. This is how people become good members of society.

In our case we were immensely fortunate. Our agency gave us the financial support required to hire counsellors, respite care, and tutors. They also pointed us in the direction of community resources. We were not left hanging. In the end it cost the agency no more than if the children had remained in foster care, yet it made all the difference between a successful adoption and a disaster. We truly felt like our children's workers cared about their outcome and were willing to help our family in any way they could. Because of that added help (help that no family member could offer us) our children have thrived and healed. There will always be large challenges because of significant disabilities, but we are on the right track because our family was offered the vital resources needed to help our children move beyond their dark pasts and into bright futures.

PRESS RELEASE

Adopt4Life to publish 28 Permanency Support Stories in 28 Days with its 2nd social media outreach campaign #Support4EveryFamily

Throughout February, Ontario’s Adoptive Parent Association will use Family Day’s month of February to provide narratives from families that give evidence to the need for permanency support for all families formed through adoption, kinship, or customary care.

Toronto, Ontario, February 1st, 2015 – Today Adopt4Life, Ontario’s non-profit Adoptive Parent Association, announced the start of #Support4EveryFamily; a family outreach campaign through social media channels.  Coinciding with Family Day’s month, the awareness campaign will highlight the urgent need for readily available, province-wide support for every adoptive child and family in Ontario, from time of placement, through the transition period and into adulthood.  

Every day in February 2015, Adopt4Life will feature a personal story of one family in Ontario describing how they have overcome or continue to struggle due to having or lacking government support. The story will appear on Adopt4Life’s website www.adopt4life.com, and will be available through the association’s Facebook and Twitter channels using the hashtag #Support4EveryFamily.

“Ontario has nearly 7,000 children awaiting forever families and we must ensure that when they are placed with their forever families all resources and supports are accessible to them right away and are ongoing to reduce the risk of disruption and create opportunities for all of Ontario’s children to meet their full potential,” says Julie Despaties, Founder of Adopt4Life. “Too many adoptive children and families are struggling in isolation without the same supports that were available to their children while they were in care.”

According to the 2009 Province of Ontario’s Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption report, Raising Expectations: Recommendations of the Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption,

“’Each year of the past five years, approximately 1,600 children were adopted into families in Ontario: more than 900 through public adoption, 650 through intercountry adoption and about 150 through private domestic adoption’. These families and the many others before and after them need ‘the best start and ongoing support as they move through life”. In the Urgency around Permanency: A Stakeholder’s Summit, the Governor General of Canada, His Excellency the Right Honourable David Johnston, acknowledged the reality that permenancy does not exist for many children; he stated, “the sad fact that every year, thousands of children go without a permanent home, and every year their risk factors multiply”. It is a known fact that children do better when they are a part of permanent families. We at Adopt4Life know that many people or individuals would like to build their families through adoption but barriers due to cost or lack of permanency support keep them from following through or contribute to the disruption of children placed with them.

Ontario’s adoptive families need post placement training in attachment and trauma and the means to better understand the behaviors of their adopted children. They also need mentors and advocates to guide and normalize their journey so they do not feel alone or isolated. They need support to alleviate the financial burden of therapy, medical, dental and educational needs as they arise - costs related to their trauma but often incurred long after placement. Studies have identified that permanency support empowers parents in helping their children reach their full potential which is good for both the government and taxpayers of Ontario. Supporting children in permanent families is far less costly than foster care, and with the right supports, permanency increases with successful outcomes of children and, therefore, society.

The first story posted today on the Adopt4Life website Support4EveryFamily tells of a family that adopted a large sibling group and how support provided for counsellors, respite care, and tutors helped make theirs a successful adoption. Their children once troubled by past traumas are now thriving and healing. The Adopt4Life website will feature a new story every day by 9AM EST. Note that all pseudonyms, when used, are a means to protect the requested privacy of individuals.

Adopt4Life believes Ontario can do better in ensuring successful outcomes for adoptive children with qualified, accessible and timely #Support4EveryFamily.

About Adopt4Life

Adopt4life is Ontario’s Adoptive Parent Association, a non-profit organization. We advocate at the government level for an improved adoption process and for better services, and provide support and guidance to adoptive families from the moment they are “Adopt Paper Ready” throughout their parenting journey. Inclusive of ALL Ontario adoptive parents, including: public, private, international, kin care, customary care and moral adoption. Adopt4Life believes Ontario can do better when it comes to forming families through adoption and seeks #AHome4EveryKid with #Support4EveryFamily. Find out more at www.Adopt4Life.com.